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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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UN To U.S.: Close Gitmo

  • "The UN should stick to doing what it does best: providing a second career for celebrities who are dead inside."

    Anna Sjogren Cabinetmaker
  • "And risk not getting the valuable information when a prisoner cracks in his eighth year of incarceration? Forget it."

    David Hyde Consignment Store Clerk
  • "The UN? I didn't know those guys were still around!"

    Jonathan Kroft Pool Cleaner

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