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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV

Citing studies that say that circumcision can cut the chances of contracting HIV by up to 60 percent, United Nations health agencies are urging heterosexual males to undergo the procedure. What do you think?
  • "I don't like it. Governments should stick to telling women what to do with their bodies."

    Raymond DeShaw Baggage Porter
  • "Let's hope that Africans are more adept at outpatient surgery than they are at handling condoms."

    Lisa Ishikowa Systems Analyst
  • "Unfortunately I have already been circumcised. Is there any benefit in cutting off even more of my penis?"

    Robert Galloway Loan Officer

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