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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV

Citing studies that say that circumcision can cut the chances of contracting HIV by up to 60 percent, United Nations health agencies are urging heterosexual males to undergo the procedure. What do you think?
  • "I don't like it. Governments should stick to telling women what to do with their bodies."

    Raymond DeShaw Baggage Porter
  • "Let's hope that Africans are more adept at outpatient surgery than they are at handling condoms."

    Lisa Ishikowa Systems Analyst
  • "Unfortunately I have already been circumcised. Is there any benefit in cutting off even more of my penis?"

    Robert Galloway Loan Officer

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