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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV

Citing studies that say that circumcision can cut the chances of contracting HIV by up to 60 percent, United Nations health agencies are urging heterosexual males to undergo the procedure. What do you think?
  • "I don't like it. Governments should stick to telling women what to do with their bodies."

    Raymond DeShaw Baggage Porter
  • "Let's hope that Africans are more adept at outpatient surgery than they are at handling condoms."

    Lisa Ishikowa Systems Analyst
  • "Unfortunately I have already been circumcised. Is there any benefit in cutting off even more of my penis?"

    Robert Galloway Loan Officer

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