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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Unabomber Property Down In Price

A 1.4-acre plot of land in Montana where Theodore "The Unabomber" Kaczynski lived is up for sale, its price recently lowered to $69,500. What do you think?

  • "That would be the perfect place to park my Kevorkian van."

    Kylie Laskin Systems Analyst
  • "Boy, that's rough. I hope he saved up some of that money he made from Unabombing people."

    Nick Young Coal Hauler
  • "That's okay. I've got my eye on a nice piece of land with four viable exits and clear sight lines to the Pennsylvania Capitol Building."

    Whit Feeny Unemployed

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