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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Unabomber's Possessions To Be Auctioned Off

Possessions of Theodore "The Unabomber" Kaczynski seized by FBI agents, including typewriters, hand tools, and a briefcase containing his diplomas, are to be put up for auction by court order. What do you think?
  • "It's too bad that they're not auctioning off the actual bomb-making materials. Nothing quite says 'Unabomber' like his bomb-making materials."

    Dax Grenoq Street Fair Vendor
  • "If I could get a Ted Kaczynski hammer to go with my Eric Rudolph chisel, that part of the toolbox would be totally covered."

    Jenny DiClaudio Systems Analyst
  • "Isn't this Internet auction exactly the type of thing he warned us about in his manifesto?"

    Wilhelm Prediger Plumber

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