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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Unabomber's Possessions To Be Auctioned Off

Possessions of Theodore "The Unabomber" Kaczynski seized by FBI agents, including typewriters, hand tools, and a briefcase containing his diplomas, are to be put up for auction by court order. What do you think?
  • "It's too bad that they're not auctioning off the actual bomb-making materials. Nothing quite says 'Unabomber' like his bomb-making materials."

    Dax Grenoq Street Fair Vendor
  • "If I could get a Ted Kaczynski hammer to go with my Eric Rudolph chisel, that part of the toolbox would be totally covered."

    Jenny DiClaudio Systems Analyst
  • "Isn't this Internet auction exactly the type of thing he warned us about in his manifesto?"

    Wilhelm Prediger Plumber

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