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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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'Unbeatable' Checkers Program Designed

Scientists at the University of Alberta have developed a computer program that can never lose a checkers match, making checkers the most complex game solved to date. What do you think?
  • "So it took them nearly 20 years to make a 12-year-old nerd that no one wants to play with. Awesome."

    James Martin Air-Conditioning Repairman
  • "Along with daily weather bulletins and birthday reminders, science is apparently turning computers into my grandfather."

    Joseph DeLaRosa Produce Manager
  • "Yes, but what protocol does it have to deal with me flipping over the board in disgust and calling it a homo when I don't like the way the game is going?"

    Anna Tuchman Union Rep
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