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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Unemployment Rate Up

Despite the addition of 163,000 jobs in July, the U.S. unemployment rate rose slightly to 8.3 percent, suggesting the economic recovery remained weak. What do you think?

  • “I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren how horrible I had it.”

    Brad Denegal Systems Analyst
  • “It’d be nice to see us get back to those glory days of 8.1 percent.”

    Tasha Bilson Theoretical Physicist
  • “Maybe the Romney campaign should mention this somewhere.”

    Oliver Muscarella Fiberglass Laminator

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