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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Universe Older, Wider Than Previously Thought

Astronomers determined that the universe is actually 13.8 billion years old, about 80 to 100 million years older than previously believed, and that it is also a bit wider than once thought. What do you think?

  • “How embarrassing.”

    Victoria Rosegard Street Cleaner
  • “Typical. You give birth to a few trillion galaxies and then people just talk about how old and fat you’ve gotten.”

    Francois Jenevein Hide Trimmer
  • “Just like it says in Leviticus.”

    Chris Vanderhorst Systems Analyst

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