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Unrest In Iraq

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Unrest In Iraq

Violence against American troops in Iraq surged last week, with attacks killing dozens. What do you think?
  • "All I know is, if the Iraqis had invaded our country, we'd be acting a lot nicer to them than they are to us."

    Geraldine Bates Telemarketer
  • "My cousin is in the Army, and he said that the Iraqis want us there. So I can't really figure out why they shot him."

    Molly Chandler Dental Hygienist
  • "I wish the media were more conservative, so we wouldn't have to hear about these things."

    Arthur Serra Pharmacist
  • "In concentrating on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, we forgot about their weapons of one teeny little bit of destruction at a time."

    Nicholas Hoyt CFO
  • "Why would the Iraqis bomb their own country? That's like shitting in your kitchen sink—good for emergencies, but not a great idea overall."

    Brian Purdey Student
  • "The G.I. deaths are tragic and alarming, but the fact that even more Iraqis are dying should provide some consolation."

    Frank Demoss Systems Analyst

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