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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Unrest In Iraq

Violence against American troops in Iraq surged last week, with attacks killing dozens. What do you think?
  • "All I know is, if the Iraqis had invaded our country, we'd be acting a lot nicer to them than they are to us."

    Geraldine Bates Telemarketer
  • "My cousin is in the Army, and he said that the Iraqis want us there. So I can't really figure out why they shot him."

    Molly Chandler Dental Hygienist
  • "I wish the media were more conservative, so we wouldn't have to hear about these things."

    Arthur Serra Pharmacist
  • "In concentrating on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, we forgot about their weapons of one teeny little bit of destruction at a time."

    Nicholas Hoyt CFO
  • "Why would the Iraqis bomb their own country? That's like shitting in your kitchen sink—good for emergencies, but not a great idea overall."

    Brian Purdey Student
  • "The G.I. deaths are tragic and alarming, but the fact that even more Iraqis are dying should provide some consolation."

    Frank Demoss Systems Analyst

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