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Unrest In Iraq

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Unrest In Iraq

Violence against American troops in Iraq surged last week, with attacks killing dozens. What do you think?
  • "All I know is, if the Iraqis had invaded our country, we'd be acting a lot nicer to them than they are to us."

    Geraldine Bates Telemarketer
  • "My cousin is in the Army, and he said that the Iraqis want us there. So I can't really figure out why they shot him."

    Molly Chandler Dental Hygienist
  • "I wish the media were more conservative, so we wouldn't have to hear about these things."

    Arthur Serra Pharmacist
  • "In concentrating on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, we forgot about their weapons of one teeny little bit of destruction at a time."

    Nicholas Hoyt CFO
  • "Why would the Iraqis bomb their own country? That's like shitting in your kitchen sink—good for emergencies, but not a great idea overall."

    Brian Purdey Student
  • "The G.I. deaths are tragic and alarming, but the fact that even more Iraqis are dying should provide some consolation."

    Frank Demoss Systems Analyst

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