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Upheaval In Yugoslavia

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Upheaval In Yugoslavia

After refusing to concede defeat in the Sept. 24 election, Yugoslavian president Slobodan Milosevic finally stepped down amid mass protests Friday, ceding power to opposition leader Vojislav Kostunica. What do you think of the Yugoslavian uprising?
  • "Just when everyone was getting used to all the hatred and killing, they had to go and change everything."

    Rachel Klein Waitress
  • "Dude, this is so Ceaucescu."

    Milt Burris Systems Analyst
  • "Somehow, I don't think we've seen the last of Slobodan and his unholy legion of the undead."

    Joe Bonner Dishwasher
  • "You know, I'm thinking of getting my home Balkanized. No, wait, I mean winterized."

    Anita Pall Flight Attendant
  • "Those genocidal-dictator types have no respect for the democratic process."

    Bob Potvin Marketing Executive
  • "Like the Yugoslavian people, I once participated in violent, impassioned street demonstrations. We were so fuckin' psyched the Bulls three-peated."

    Bill Sherman Shipping Clerk

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