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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Upheaval In Yugoslavia

After refusing to concede defeat in the Sept. 24 election, Yugoslavian president Slobodan Milosevic finally stepped down amid mass protests Friday, ceding power to opposition leader Vojislav Kostunica. What do you think of the Yugoslavian uprising?
  • "Just when everyone was getting used to all the hatred and killing, they had to go and change everything."

    Rachel Klein Waitress
  • "Dude, this is so Ceaucescu."

    Milt Burris Systems Analyst
  • "Somehow, I don't think we've seen the last of Slobodan and his unholy legion of the undead."

    Joe Bonner Dishwasher
  • "You know, I'm thinking of getting my home Balkanized. No, wait, I mean winterized."

    Anita Pall Flight Attendant
  • "Those genocidal-dictator types have no respect for the democratic process."

    Bob Potvin Marketing Executive
  • "Like the Yugoslavian people, I once participated in violent, impassioned street demonstrations. We were so fuckin' psyched the Bulls three-peated."

    Bill Sherman Shipping Clerk

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