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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Uruguay Legalizes Marijuana

Uruguay became the first country in the world to fully legalize production and distribution of marijuana, allowing Uruguayan citizens over the age of 18 to grow up to six pot plants of their own and purchase up to 1.4 ounces of the drug per month. What do you think?

  • “But how are they supposed to fill up their jails?”

    Eric Sax Newsstand Owner
  • “Now when I visit Uruguay everyone will think I’m there to get high, not to enjoy the beautiful handcrafted woolen goods.”

    Ray Rogers Submarine Technician
  • “Is this one of those deals where I show up and someone steals my organs?”

    Alice Teller Cabaret Singer

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