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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Admits To Killing Americans In Drone Strikes

The government confirmed for the first time that it has killed Americans in strikes by unmanned aerial drones, killing four U.S. citizens in Yemen and Pakistan, including radical cleric Anwar Al-Awlaki. What do you think?

  • “Ha. At that rate it’ll take forever to kill all of us.”

    Doug Fardon Cloth Trimmer
  • “The death of fellow citizen Anwar Al-Awlaki was a terrible blow to our local PTA, not to mention our bowling team.”

    Marcus Voeten Goodwill Ambassador
  • “Good thing it was an unmanned drone. It’d be terrible if someone had to live with that guilt.”

    Gretchen La Costa Thinner Sprayer

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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