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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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U.S. Admits To Killing Americans In Drone Strikes

The government confirmed for the first time that it has killed Americans in strikes by unmanned aerial drones, killing four U.S. citizens in Yemen and Pakistan, including radical cleric Anwar Al-Awlaki. What do you think?

  • “Ha. At that rate it’ll take forever to kill all of us.”

    Doug Fardon Cloth Trimmer
  • “The death of fellow citizen Anwar Al-Awlaki was a terrible blow to our local PTA, not to mention our bowling team.”

    Marcus Voeten Goodwill Ambassador
  • “Good thing it was an unmanned drone. It’d be terrible if someone had to live with that guilt.”

    Gretchen La Costa Thinner Sprayer

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