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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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U.S. Adults Below Average In Math, Literacy, Computers

According to a comparison of 18-to-65-year-olds in 22 advanced democracies, the U.S. placed ahead of only five countries on a test of literacy, and beat out just two countries in a test of math skills, while also placing 15th in a measure of computer skills. What do you think?

  • “But how many different types of barbecue sauce do they have?”

    James Stirdivant Acrobatic Rigger
  • “Oh, but what do these tests measure anyway but the ability to correctly answer a series of standardized questions that establish our global intellectual standing?”

    Lisanne Ralbovsky Fur Salesperson
  • “Wait, 22 countries, we’re ahead of five, and there’s a 65 in there somewhere, and 18, and 15th…What do we win?”

    Wayne Dichter Hosiery Mender
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