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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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U.S. Adults Below Average In Math, Literacy, Computers

According to a comparison of 18-to-65-year-olds in 22 advanced democracies, the U.S. placed ahead of only five countries on a test of literacy, and beat out just two countries in a test of math skills, while also placing 15th in a measure of computer skills. What do you think?

  • “But how many different types of barbecue sauce do they have?”

    James Stirdivant Acrobatic Rigger
  • “Oh, but what do these tests measure anyway but the ability to correctly answer a series of standardized questions that establish our global intellectual standing?”

    Lisanne Ralbovsky Fur Salesperson
  • “Wait, 22 countries, we’re ahead of five, and there’s a 65 in there somewhere, and 18, and 15th…What do we win?”

    Wayne Dichter Hosiery Mender

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