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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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U.S. Briefly On Canadian Torture List

Late last week, Canada placed the United States on an official list of countries that practice torture before removing it on Saturday. What do you think?
  • "We need to find out whoever did this, strap them to a board, and dump gallons upon gallons of water on them until they agree to take us off that list.”

    Tony Bramah Systems Analyst
  • "Why is Canada in charge of the official torturers list?"

    Lacey Baines Youth Pastor
  • "I'm not sure why this is a problem. Were we at the bottom or the list or something?"

    Dave Burns Crab Fisherman

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