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U.S. Cancels Joint Exercises With Russia

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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U.S. Cancels Joint Exercises With Russia

The United States will "in all likelihood" drop out of annual naval exercises with Russia to express disapproval of the country's war with Georgia. What do you think?
  • "Good going, U.S. I am so sick of all the mixed signals. This sends a firm message that we will no longer exercise navally with Russia."

    Charles Jolicoeur Billing Clerk
  • "That doesn't go far enough. The U.S. also needs to enact a full-scale boycott of South Ossetian hazelnuts."

    Allen Mercer Punch-Press Operator
  • "That leaves a slot open for Luxembourg. They've been dying to get invited to one of these things."

    Ellie Mason Saucier

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