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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Celebrates Independence Day

Americans are enjoying the day off with friends and family in celebration of the 237th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How are you celebrating the Fourth of July?

  • “I’ll be drinking tall boys and, like every year, honoring the assistance of the French.”

    Jack Loop Christmas Tree Farmer
  • “I’m going to refuse to eat any cupcake that isn’t flag-themed.”

    Richard Thingvall Polygraph Examiner
  • “Well, my dog will be scared of the fireworks, so I’ll probably just stay under the table with him.”

    Virginia Kemeny Trust Company President

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