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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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U.S. Celebrates Independence Day

Americans are enjoying the day off with friends and family in celebration of the 237th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How are you celebrating the Fourth of July?

  • “I’ll be drinking tall boys and, like every year, honoring the assistance of the French.”

    Jack Loop Christmas Tree Farmer
  • “I’m going to refuse to eat any cupcake that isn’t flag-themed.”

    Richard Thingvall Polygraph Examiner
  • “Well, my dog will be scared of the fireworks, so I’ll probably just stay under the table with him.”

    Virginia Kemeny Trust Company President

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