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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Census Overcounted By 36,000

A survey revealed that the 2010 census counted an extra 36,000 people, or 0.01 percent, because of duplicate forms and deaths, which is down from the 0.49 percent overcount in the 2000 census. What do you think?

  • “I still don’t know about those final numbers. I did a count of my own, and I only got up to like 500 people.”

    Laurie Dare Unemployed
  • “Great. So now five tons of ribs and corn on the cob are going to go to waste at the big Fourth of July bash the government's throwing everybody.”

    Ron Mann Gate Guard
  • “Imaginary Americans never get any respect from the Census Bureau.”

    David Harring Hand Knitter

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