adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

U.S. City Issues IDs To Illegal Immigrants

New Haven, CT is the first city in the nation to offer ID cards to illegal immigrants, thus granting them privileges such as library cards and bank accounts. What do you think?
  • "But I have always been told that immigrants have no identity."

    Carl Richmond First Aid Instructor
  • "Oh, great. Now the library waiting list for The Secret will be months."

    Waylon Helstrom Baker
  • "It's bad enough they're taking the jobs I don't want, but now they're getting the services I don't use!"

    Patty Walker Drywaller

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close