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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Cleaning Up Agent Orange In Vietnam

Thirty-seven years after the end of the Vietnam War, the United States will clean up an area in central Vietnam where Agent Orange was synthesized and stored, as seepage of the toxic defoliant into the groundwater has long been blamed by locals for cancer and birth defects. What do you think?

  • “Can we really be sure what’s causing all those problems with only 37 years of data?”

    Bob Bronner Lighting Equipment Operator
  • “Come on, if we go around cleaning up every little mess we created in every little country we invaded how are we going to have time to do anything else?”

    Butch Luscombe Unemployed
  • “Iraq, we’ll see you in 35 years or so."

    Julio Urbano Legal Secretary

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