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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Coach: America Will Not Win World Cup

As the 2014 FIFA World Cup kicks off today in Brazil, U.S. coach Jürgen Klinsmann is taking flak for stating at a press conference that “For us now, talking about winning a World Cup is just not realistic,” a comment that many U.S. fans have viewed as defeatist and un-American. What do you think?

  • “What a fatalist. This guy also probably thinks soccer will never be more popular than football in the U.S.”

    Bryan Guse Cement Mixer
  • “Look, he’s just trying to manage expectations in the mistaken belief that anybody has any.”

    Ashley Prud’homme Legal Counsel
  • “Won’t he have egg on his face when he’s holding that giant trophy.”

    Robert Tarpinian Systems Analyst

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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