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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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U.S. Compensates Afghan Victims’ Families

The United States paid out $50,000 for every person killed and $11,000 for every person wounded in a Mar. 11 rampage for which a renegade U.S. soldier has been charged. What do you think?

  • "Sounds like a bargain. I had to pay $100,000 to the family of some kid I ran over."

    Peter Knapp Rubber-Goods Tester
  • "In lieu of an apology, this was probably the next best thing to do."

    Sarah Adalist Seed Analyst
  • "What am I supposed to be outraged about here? Is this too little or too much?"

    Byron Ziff Prospector

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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