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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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U.S. Compensates Afghan Victims’ Families

The United States paid out $50,000 for every person killed and $11,000 for every person wounded in a Mar. 11 rampage for which a renegade U.S. soldier has been charged. What do you think?

  • "Sounds like a bargain. I had to pay $100,000 to the family of some kid I ran over."

    Peter Knapp Rubber-Goods Tester
  • "In lieu of an apology, this was probably the next best thing to do."

    Sarah Adalist Seed Analyst
  • "What am I supposed to be outraged about here? Is this too little or too much?"

    Byron Ziff Prospector

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