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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Compensates Afghan Victims’ Families

The United States paid out $50,000 for every person killed and $11,000 for every person wounded in a Mar. 11 rampage for which a renegade U.S. soldier has been charged. What do you think?

  • "Sounds like a bargain. I had to pay $100,000 to the family of some kid I ran over."

    Peter Knapp Rubber-Goods Tester
  • "In lieu of an apology, this was probably the next best thing to do."

    Sarah Adalist Seed Analyst
  • "What am I supposed to be outraged about here? Is this too little or too much?"

    Byron Ziff Prospector

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