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U.S. Deserters Not Safe in Canada

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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U.S. Deserters Not Safe in Canada

Canada, long considered a safe haven for deserters from the United States armed forces, have been toughening their stance against Americans seeking not to serve. What do you think?
  • "I don't understand what the problem is for Canada. American deserters are the best in the world."

    Scott Diego Fireman
  • "Oh, come on. At least let them stay for rest of the Toronto Jazz Festival."

    Alex Nathan Meteorologist
  • "What? I thought we had a deal: Canada accepts our military deserters and we make a celebrity out of Alan Thicke."

    Heather Kwilos Phone Saleswoman

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