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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Economy Unexpectedly Shrank Last Quarter

The nation’s GDP contracted 0.1 percent over the final three months of 2012, surprising most economists and ending a string of three and a half years of growth. What do you think?

  • “Really? But I bought, like, four new shirts.”

    Raman Abbas Crystallizer Operator
  • “Certainly you didn’t expect this recent wave of wealth and prosperity to last forever.”

    Meredith Arguello Parasitologist
  • “I blame myself.”

    Wesley Washington Systems Analyst

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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