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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Faces Cauliflower Shortage

Due to climate change and the resultant low temperatures in California and Arizona where crops are grown, the nation faces a shortage of cauliflower, driving the price up to eight dollars per bundle in some areas. What do you think?

  • “Is it possible that the price increase is due to rampant speculation by insatiable investors?”

    Chad Yoder Petroleum Sifter
  • “Sounds like a death knell for the whole vegetarian trend.”

    Becca Clemmons Second Bailiff
  • “What will people mash in a futile attempt to replace potatoes now?”

    Ralph Deacon Podium Carpenter

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