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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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U.S. Faces Cauliflower Shortage

Due to climate change and the resultant low temperatures in California and Arizona where crops are grown, the nation faces a shortage of cauliflower, driving the price up to eight dollars per bundle in some areas. What do you think?

  • “Is it possible that the price increase is due to rampant speculation by insatiable investors?”

    Chad Yoder Petroleum Sifter
  • “Sounds like a death knell for the whole vegetarian trend.”

    Becca Clemmons Second Bailiff
  • “What will people mash in a futile attempt to replace potatoes now?”

    Ralph Deacon Podium Carpenter

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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