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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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U.S. Facing Helium Shortage

With its helium reserves rapidly depleting, the United States faces a shortage expected to have a detrimental effect on certain sectors of the economy. What do you think?

  • “Ah, the hell with balloons anyway. They were useless for getting me well soon.”

    Jerry Faulk Lifeguard
  • “Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. See? Not as funny without the helium, is it?”

    Dana Creamer Systems Analyst
  • “As a dirigible pilot since 1935, I thank God for an excuse to get out of this fucking business.”

    Gary William Delineator

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