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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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U.S. Facing Helium Shortage

With its helium reserves rapidly depleting, the United States faces a shortage expected to have a detrimental effect on certain sectors of the economy. What do you think?

  • “Ah, the hell with balloons anyway. They were useless for getting me well soon.”

    Jerry Faulk Lifeguard
  • “Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. See? Not as funny without the helium, is it?”

    Dana Creamer Systems Analyst
  • “As a dirigible pilot since 1935, I thank God for an excuse to get out of this fucking business.”

    Gary William Delineator
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