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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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U.S. Headed For 'Fiscal Cliff'

According to the Congressional Budget Office, if Republicans and Democrats don't resolve their budget stalemate by year’s end, they may push the nation over a "fiscal cliff," with automatic spending cuts and tax increases causing a new recession and 2 million job losses in 2013. What do you think?

  • “Okay, that doesn’t sound good. How much do we have in savings?"

    Patti Tostado Butcher
  • “I’d be more interested in this issue if you told me one specific party to blame.”

    Donald Borchers Ammonia Still Operator
  • “Wow, really? Just like Nostradamus predicted.”

    Curtis Garsha Unemployed
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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