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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Hits 300 Million People

The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that the U.S. population reached 300 million today at 7:46 am. What do you think?
  • "That's great. I'm like three guys short for my poker game this Thursday."

    Brandon Kelvin Heating Installer
  • "We could always give Minnesota its independence. That would trim it back some, and I've always hated those guys."

    Clarissa Benjamin Bus Driver
  • "Thank God we have the second-highest infant-mortality rate in the industrialized world, or else we'd be screwed."

    Owen Last Dry Cleaner

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