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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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U.S. Homes Lost $1.7 Trillion

According to the website Zillow.com, the value of all American homes fell $1.7 trillion in 2010. What do you think?

  • "That's great news, as I'm in the market for all American homes."

    Liam Heathrow Systems Analyst
  • "On the plus side, these never-ending economic catastrophes are giving me a much better conceptual feel for massive numbers."

    Denise Carruthers Billing Clerk
  • "Wow. Someone should really just tear those homes down and build new, more valuable homes, then, right?"

    Nick Doyle Museum Guard
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