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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Horse Slaughter To Resume

A five-year ban on the butchering of horses for meat has expired, meaning slaughterhouses can once more process horses for human consumption. What do you think?

  • "Yuck! What have they been putting in my horse cakes?"

    Kevin Crispiano Meter Shop Supervisor
  • "Hey, everybody complaining about excessive government regulation, the Obama administration hears you. Now go eat some horse meat."

    Hector Velez Knitter Mechanic
  • "This opens the door for Roy Rogers to bring back the Triggerburger."

    Katie Steinweiss Unemployed

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