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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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U.S. Horse Slaughter To Resume

A five-year ban on the butchering of horses for meat has expired, meaning slaughterhouses can once more process horses for human consumption. What do you think?

  • "Yuck! What have they been putting in my horse cakes?"

    Kevin Crispiano Meter Shop Supervisor
  • "Hey, everybody complaining about excessive government regulation, the Obama administration hears you. Now go eat some horse meat."

    Hector Velez Knitter Mechanic
  • "This opens the door for Roy Rogers to bring back the Triggerburger."

    Katie Steinweiss Unemployed

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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