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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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U.S. House Hardly Working

To date, the House of Representatives has worked less than 25 days this year. What do you think?
  • "Maybe they're still working off the overtime accrued from the Schiavo emergency session."

    Ryan Ridge Optometrist
  • "I thought Wal-Mart's Tuesday/Thursday greeter looked awfully like U.S. Rep. Mike Conaway."

    Joe Chandler Lumberjack
  • "Take a classic masterpiece like the Anti-Injunction Act of 1793, and compare it to the monstrosity that is the current Postal Service Act Amendment Bill of 2005. See? You can't rush good drafting."

    Alleen Barber Systems Analyst

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