U.S. House Hardly Working

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

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U.S. House Hardly Working

To date, the House of Representatives has worked less than 25 days this year. What do you think?
  • "Maybe they're still working off the overtime accrued from the Schiavo emergency session."

    Ryan Ridge
    Optometrist
  • "I thought Wal-Mart's Tuesday/Thursday greeter looked awfully like U.S. Rep. Mike Conaway."

    Joe Chandler
    Lumberjack
  • "Take a classic masterpiece like the Anti-Injunction Act of 1793, and compare it to the monstrosity that is the current Postal Service Act Amendment Bill of 2005. See? You can't rush good drafting."

    Alleen Barber
    Systems Analyst