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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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U.S. Immigration Fence?

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) proposed legislation that would call for the creation of an $8 billion, 2,000-mile fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. What do you think?
  • "Can it be a 2,000-mile-long picket fence? That would at least look nice and seem neighborly."

    Joan Novak Postal Clerk
  • "Building a fence along the border is a great way to keep fat, out-of-shape Mexicans out of our country."

    Luke Hurley Tree Surgeon
  • "$8 billion?! I know some day laborers that could put up that fence for under 60 bucks as long as you don't tell them what it's for."

    Curtis Boyd Fire Marshall
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