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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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U.S. Immigration Fence?

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) proposed legislation that would call for the creation of an $8 billion, 2,000-mile fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. What do you think?
  • "Can it be a 2,000-mile-long picket fence? That would at least look nice and seem neighborly."

    Joan Novak Postal Clerk
  • "Building a fence along the border is a great way to keep fat, out-of-shape Mexicans out of our country."

    Luke Hurley Tree Surgeon
  • "$8 billion?! I know some day laborers that could put up that fence for under 60 bucks as long as you don't tell them what it's for."

    Curtis Boyd Fire Marshall
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