U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
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U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

The National Sleep Foundation recently announced that American children are not getting enough sleep. What do you think?
  • "I wake my son up four times a night for pulled-pork sandwiches and Bible study."

    Cynthia Lewis Tax Preparer
  • "This doesn't concern me personally, because I ain't got no damn kids by no woman on the other side of town."

    Steve Green Fruit Picker
  • "It's no surprise. The obese often have trouble sleeping."

    Virginia Adams Nutritionist
  • "Parents, use child psychology to eradicate this problem. Tell your son or daughter, 'If you don't get enough sleep, the monster under your bed will eat you.'"

    Frank Gonzalez Painter
  • "You know what else they're not getting? My goddamn Brandy Old Fashioned, that's what. You hear me, Tyler?"

    Gregory King Aerospace Engineer
  • "Maybe if they pulled up their damn pants for once, that would, um... Well, it would be a step in the right direction."

    Stephen Harrison Systems Analyst

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