After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

The National Sleep Foundation recently announced that American children are not getting enough sleep. What do you think?
  • "I wake my son up four times a night for pulled-pork sandwiches and Bible study."

    Cynthia Lewis Tax Preparer
  • "This doesn't concern me personally, because I ain't got no damn kids by no woman on the other side of town."

    Steve Green Fruit Picker
  • "It's no surprise. The obese often have trouble sleeping."

    Virginia Adams Nutritionist
  • "Parents, use child psychology to eradicate this problem. Tell your son or daughter, 'If you don't get enough sleep, the monster under your bed will eat you.'"

    Frank Gonzalez Painter
  • "You know what else they're not getting? My goddamn Brandy Old Fashioned, that's what. You hear me, Tyler?"

    Gregory King Aerospace Engineer
  • "Maybe if they pulled up their damn pants for once, that would, um... Well, it would be a step in the right direction."

    Stephen Harrison Systems Analyst

After Birth

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