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U.S. Loses 4,000 Jobs

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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U.S. Loses 4,000 Jobs

The U.S. economy lost 4,000 jobs last month—the largest drop in four years—raising fears of a recession. What do you think?
  • "So what? A recession just means people will start drinking off-brand soda. Doesn't matter to me as long as I still get five cents a can."

    Alma Peters Pollster
  • "Good. Working sucks!"

    Dale Landmark Ice Cream Truck Driver
  • "This can all be remedied through interest rates. How it's done and to what extent I haven't a clue, but interest rates are the key."

    Ivan Paymer Systems Analyst

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