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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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U.S. May Have Killed Bin Laden's Son

A U.S. airstrike in Pakistan may have killed Saad bin Laden, the son of terrorist Osama bin Laden. What do you think?
  • “It’s always a tragedy when a parent outlives a child, particularly when that parent is Osama bin Laden.”

    Gene Houser Inductor Tester
  • “Perhaps we could rig our military’s drone aircraft to blast Harry Chapin’s ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on a loop to break bin Laden’s spirit once and for all.”

    Julie Long Map Clerk
  • “First we kill Bin Laden’s son, then we win in Iraq, and pretty soon we’ll have settled the score with everyone who had nothing to do with 9/11.”

    Adam Sobczak Systems Analyst

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