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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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U.S. May Have Killed Bin Laden's Son

A U.S. airstrike in Pakistan may have killed Saad bin Laden, the son of terrorist Osama bin Laden. What do you think?
  • “It’s always a tragedy when a parent outlives a child, particularly when that parent is Osama bin Laden.”

    Gene Houser Inductor Tester
  • “Perhaps we could rig our military’s drone aircraft to blast Harry Chapin’s ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on a loop to break bin Laden’s spirit once and for all.”

    Julie Long Map Clerk
  • “First we kill Bin Laden’s son, then we win in Iraq, and pretty soon we’ll have settled the score with everyone who had nothing to do with 9/11.”

    Adam Sobczak Systems Analyst

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