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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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U.S. May Pass Saudi Arabia As Top Oil Producer

Driven largely by high prices and new drilling technologies, domestic production of oil is now expanding at its fastest rate since 1951, leading many to project that the United States could overtake Saudi Arabia as the world’s largest producer within years. What do you think?

  • “I think I’m going to stick with the Saudi stuff. Imported oil just feels fancier.”

    Brick Bradford Spectrographer
  • “Huh. It almost makes you wonder if waging a war with Iraq was even worth it.”

    Brittany Sartor Human Resources Clerk
  • “You realize this only gives more power to local U.S. warlords.”

    Gerald Stirdivant Parachute Mender

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