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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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U.S. May Pass Saudi Arabia As Top Oil Producer

Driven largely by high prices and new drilling technologies, domestic production of oil is now expanding at its fastest rate since 1951, leading many to project that the United States could overtake Saudi Arabia as the world’s largest producer within years. What do you think?

  • “I think I’m going to stick with the Saudi stuff. Imported oil just feels fancier.”

    Brick Bradford Spectrographer
  • “Huh. It almost makes you wonder if waging a war with Iraq was even worth it.”

    Brittany Sartor Human Resources Clerk
  • “You realize this only gives more power to local U.S. warlords.”

    Gerald Stirdivant Parachute Mender

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