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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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U.S. Middle Class No Longer Richest In World

An analysis by the New York Times revealed that the United States no longer has the richest middle class in the world and is now second behind Canada. What do you think?

  • “Oh, sure, if you’re going to compare us to first-world countries, we’re definitely not going to come out looking so good.”

    Arnie McCray Landscape Architect
  • “I had a feeling that Canada was doing better than us after it installed that new set of kitchen cabinets we simply can’t afford right now.”

    Ivy Holloway Assistant Teacher
  • “Gay marriage is destroying this nation.”

    Patrick Ansa Systems Analyst

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