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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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U.S.-North Korea Relations

The U.S. is struggling to handle its relations with volatile, unpredictable North Korea. What do you think?
  • "I'm not really the one to ask, as I have very little experience in diplomacy with hard-line communist nations."

    Matt Christian Computer Sales
  • "We should say we have a magic flying house, and then when they say, 'Yeah, we do too,' we'll say, 'Gotcha! There's no such thing!' and they'll look like morons to the international community."

    Leslie Belanger Chef
  • "The only thing the North Koreans understand is force. Well, that and Korean."

    Nelson Owens Realtor

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