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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Obesity Levels Out

According to statistics collected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, obesity rates in the United States have remained constant over the past five years. What do you think?
  • "True, but that's mostly because the gain in thighs has been offset by smaller boobs."

    Traci Fogel Systems Analyst
  • "Now maybe the CDC will stop embarrassing me in Wendy's with their calipers."

    Soren Yaw Day Care Worker
  • "Pizza party!"

    Olivier Suchorsky Sanitation Worker

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