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U.S., Pakistan Exchange Fire

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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U.S., Pakistan Exchange Fire

Troops from the United States exchanged gunfire with our ally Pakistan on the Afghan-Pakistani border. What do you think?
  • "Brief cross-border firefights are just the Army's way of razzing its friends. It's the military equivalent of a noogie."

    Darrel Pearlman Systems Analyst
  • "We can relieve tensions with Pakistan by firing some missiles into Israel. Pakistan will like it and Israel will probably be too flummoxed to even respond."

    Syd Burrell Gallery Dealer
  • ''If we keep pulling this kind of stunt, pretty soon we might not be very well liked over there.''

    Damon Rawls Dog Breeder

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