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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Planes Kill Canadian

U.S. warplanes accidentally fired on Canadian troops in southern Afghanistan, killing one and wounding five. What do you think?
  • "This sends a powerful message to bin Laden. It says, 'We're willing to destroy any ally in order to hunt you down in what would be a largely symbolic victory.'"

    Karen Walton Safety Inspector
  • "Clearly, U.S. military leaders are having some creative differences over there. One idea would be to decide on the enemy, and then agree not to kill people who do not fall under that category."

    Jaime Rodriguez Systems Analyst
  • "Look, the American military does not discriminate. Gay, straight, Taliban, Canadian, Pat Tillman—we will shoot you all."

    Keith McGovern Housewares Associate

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