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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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U.S. Proposes European Missile Defense System

The United States is proposing developing a missile defense shield for Europe to protect it against a potential threat from Iran. What do you think?
  • "Now Europe can be free to depict Muhammad however they want."

    Jerry Ortez Systems Analyst
  • "The only way this won't work is if the computer is forced to play tic-tac-toe against itself."

    Shawn Klatz Hotel Manager
  • "Defense shields never work. I installed an alarm system for my home and an Iranian missile still broke in and stole my VCR."

    Lane Fordham Dental Hygienist

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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