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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Proposes European Missile Defense System

The United States is proposing developing a missile defense shield for Europe to protect it against a potential threat from Iran. What do you think?
  • "Now Europe can be free to depict Muhammad however they want."

    Jerry Ortez Systems Analyst
  • "The only way this won't work is if the computer is forced to play tic-tac-toe against itself."

    Shawn Klatz Hotel Manager
  • "Defense shields never work. I installed an alarm system for my home and an Iranian missile still broke in and stole my VCR."

    Lane Fordham Dental Hygienist

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