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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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U.S. Researchers Clone Monkeys

Using skin cells, scientists at the Oregon National Primate Research Center have cloned rhesus macaque monkeys and harvested stem cells. What do you think?
  • "Before we get all excited, let's remember—cloning is a long and difficult process that will only be available to the wealthiest monkeys."

    Keith Spicolli Teacher
  • "I'd better hold my praise until some opinionated monk calls himself a bioethicist and weighs in."

    Martin Nyman Financial Planner
  • "Oh great. Now this box full of rare monkeys I've got is worthless."

    Leona Frye Cook
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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