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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Researchers Clone Monkeys

Using skin cells, scientists at the Oregon National Primate Research Center have cloned rhesus macaque monkeys and harvested stem cells. What do you think?
  • "Before we get all excited, let's remember—cloning is a long and difficult process that will only be available to the wealthiest monkeys."

    Keith Spicolli Teacher
  • "I'd better hold my praise until some opinionated monk calls himself a bioethicist and weighs in."

    Martin Nyman Financial Planner
  • "Oh great. Now this box full of rare monkeys I've got is worthless."

    Leona Frye Cook

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