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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

In a U.N. resolution last week, the U.S. sought troops and money from all nations to aide in Iraq's postwar reconstruction. What do you think?
  • "They weren't too keen on helping us invade, but now that we've shown them we can do it, I bet they'll fall all over themselves to pitch in."

    Joseph O'Brien Systems Analyst
  • "Finally, the U.S. is allowing other countries to contribute financially to Iraq's reconstruction. They were getting really pissed off that we weren't letting them do that."

    Erin&nbsp;Rose Interior <br>Designer
  • "We must get the other nations of the world to commit troops in Iraq. Then they'll be weak at home—and we can strike!"

    Brett Gelman Poet
  • "There's trouble in Iraq?! Quickly! To the unilateral- invasion-mobile!"

    Don Moe Translator
  • "When a nation sees a fellow nation going through troubled times, like Iraq is now, it's important to reach out and help. Together, through caring and sharing, we can make a difference."

    Evan&nbsp;Foley Lawyer
  • "Good heavens! So many problems and complications! I sure do miss having the old Iraq around, just the way it was."

    Julie Brister Social Worker

More from this section

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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