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U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

In a U.N. resolution last week, the U.S. sought troops and money from all nations to aide in Iraq's postwar reconstruction. What do you think?
  • "They weren't too keen on helping us invade, but now that we've shown them we can do it, I bet they'll fall all over themselves to pitch in."

    Joseph O'Brien Systems Analyst
  • "Finally, the U.S. is allowing other countries to contribute financially to Iraq's reconstruction. They were getting really pissed off that we weren't letting them do that."

    Erin&nbsp;Rose Interior <br>Designer
  • "We must get the other nations of the world to commit troops in Iraq. Then they'll be weak at home—and we can strike!"

    Brett Gelman Poet
  • "There's trouble in Iraq?! Quickly! To the unilateral- invasion-mobile!"

    Don Moe Translator
  • "When a nation sees a fellow nation going through troubled times, like Iraq is now, it's important to reach out and help. Together, through caring and sharing, we can make a difference."

    Evan&nbsp;Foley Lawyer
  • "Good heavens! So many problems and complications! I sure do miss having the old Iraq around, just the way it was."

    Julie Brister Social Worker

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