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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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U.S. Sets Tornado Record

The National Weather Service reported a new record for number of tornadoes in a day, with 312 counted in a 24-hour period last week. What do you think?

  • "That's a lot of math. Maybe they should have been doin' more tornado catchin' and less tornado countin'."

    Lisa Grohl Pull-Tab Dispenser Stocker
  • "My God. Just think of how many thousands of anecdotes about things being driven several inches into the sides of other things were spawned during that 24-hour period."

    Bill Mojica Bit Tapper
  • "Are you really trying to talk to me about the weather? Man, I hate small talk."

    Matthew Gregory Unemployed

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