adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

U.S. Sets Tornado Record

The National Weather Service reported a new record for number of tornadoes in a day, with 312 counted in a 24-hour period last week. What do you think?

  • "That's a lot of math. Maybe they should have been doin' more tornado catchin' and less tornado countin'."

    Lisa Grohl Pull-Tab Dispenser Stocker
  • "My God. Just think of how many thousands of anecdotes about things being driven several inches into the sides of other things were spawned during that 24-hour period."

    Bill Mojica Bit Tapper
  • "Are you really trying to talk to me about the weather? Man, I hate small talk."

    Matthew Gregory Unemployed

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close