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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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U.S. Sues Bank Of America For $1 Billion

The Justice Department has sued Bank of America for allegedly employing a scheme from 2007 to 2009 called “the Hustle,” through which it approved risky loans and sold them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, ultimately costing taxpayers more than $1 billion. What do you think?

  • “Just in time!”

    James Ralbovsky Unemployed
  • “That wasn’t the only scam they pulled. They’re also connected to cases involving the Ol’ St. Louie Shuffle, the Mississippi Mad-Man Switch, and the Backdoor Frisco Pot Cleaner.”

    Marc Thayer Paleobotanist
  • “I hope they also sue them for being so slow to send out my basketball-themed checks.”

    Elise Carricker Veneer Drier

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