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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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U.S. Sues Bank Of America For $1 Billion

The Justice Department has sued Bank of America for allegedly employing a scheme from 2007 to 2009 called “the Hustle,” through which it approved risky loans and sold them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, ultimately costing taxpayers more than $1 billion. What do you think?

  • “Just in time!”

    James Ralbovsky Unemployed
  • “That wasn’t the only scam they pulled. They’re also connected to cases involving the Ol’ St. Louie Shuffle, the Mississippi Mad-Man Switch, and the Backdoor Frisco Pot Cleaner.”

    Marc Thayer Paleobotanist
  • “I hope they also sue them for being so slow to send out my basketball-themed checks.”

    Elise Carricker Veneer Drier
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