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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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U.S. Sues Bank Of America For $1 Billion

The Justice Department has sued Bank of America for allegedly employing a scheme from 2007 to 2009 called “the Hustle,” through which it approved risky loans and sold them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, ultimately costing taxpayers more than $1 billion. What do you think?

  • “Just in time!”

    James Ralbovsky Unemployed
  • “That wasn’t the only scam they pulled. They’re also connected to cases involving the Ol’ St. Louie Shuffle, the Mississippi Mad-Man Switch, and the Backdoor Frisco Pot Cleaner.”

    Marc Thayer Paleobotanist
  • “I hope they also sue them for being so slow to send out my basketball-themed checks.”

    Elise Carricker Veneer Drier

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