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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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U.S. Suicide Rate Up Amid Economic Crisis

According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention data, the national suicide rate climbed slowly from 1999 to 2007, but then surged more than fourfold between 2008 and 2010, during the depths of the nation’s economic crisis. What do you think?

  • “Makes sense. Nothing boosts morale or whisks your blues away quite like a full-time job.”

    Ingrid Hebenstreit Forest Fire Warden
  • “Aw, hang in there, guys! I’m rich and I’m incredibly happy!”

    Travis Cardinal Film Spooler
  • “It was silly for all those people to kill themselves back then. They should have waited until after the election like me. Goodbye.”

    Jeff Larissa Hammersmith
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