U.S. To Hold Peace Talks With Taliban

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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U.S. To Hold Peace Talks With Taliban

American and Taliban leaders confirmed yesterday that they would meet face-to-face this week in the Taliban’s newly opened political office in Qatar to discuss a formal peace agreement to end the 12-year war in Afghanistan. What do you think?

  • “Middle East peace talks! That’s a great idea!”

    Ron Diamantopoulos
    Weaver
  • “Oh no, now we’re going to get a reputation of being a country that folds after only 10 to 15 years of pointless fighting.”

    Valentina Esposito
    Rafting Guide
  • “Good luck to both sides!”

    Bryce Milars
    Systems Analyst
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