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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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U.S.-Turkey Relations Cool

Turkey recalled its ambassador to the U.S. and warned there would be dire consequences if Congress passes a resolution classifying the massacre of 1.5 million Armenians between 1915 and 1923 as genocide. What do you think?
  • "This is reminiscent of when Germany withdrew their ambassador until America officially recognized Oktoberfest."

    Jane Young Systems Analyst
  • "Well, politics is all about finding a middle ground. How about calling it an unmitigated slaughter? Would that work?"

    Ricardo Olmos Traffic Cop
  • "If there's anything our Congress is good at, it's passing philosophical resolutions in name only that have no tangible outcome."

    Ben Hauer Insurance Agent

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