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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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U.S. Warns North Korea Not To Test Missile

The White House warned North Korea that if it went ahead with a planned long-range missile test, the United States would withhold food aid from the nation. What do you think?

  • "Unfortunately, Kim Jong-un has no incentive to call off the weapons test after learning the USAID high-nutrient biscuits aren't chocolate-dipped or sprinkle-covered."

    Karen Vidal Systems Analyst
  • "I say let them go ahead with the test. There's a good chance of this being really hilarious when it doesn't work."

    Sebastian Howard Placer
  • "North Korea has a legitimate need to defend itself against itself."

    Jeff Sexton Rodding Machine Tender

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