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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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USA Today Redesigned

Redesigned for the first time in its 30 years in print, USA Today, the nation’s second-largest newspaper by circulation, now features more color, photos, and infographics, as well as a “Your Say” section with comments from Twitter and Facebook. What do you think?

  • “Wow! Where can I buy one of those?”

    Rodney De La Rosa Marine Cargo Surveyor
  • “I’ll check it out, but only if it features colors I’ve never seen anywhere before in my life.”

    Moon Hwa Yee Public Health Nutritionist
  • “Look, I don’t have the time it takes to decipher all these ‘graphics’ and ‘pictures.’ Can’t someone from the paper just call me up once a day and shout a word or two to let me know what’s going on?”

    Sophie Baer Coating Machine Operator

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