USA Today Redesigned

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

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USA Today Redesigned

Redesigned for the first time in its 30 years in print, USA Today, the nation’s second-largest newspaper by circulation, now features more color, photos, and infographics, as well as a “Your Say” section with comments from Twitter and Facebook. What do you think?

  • “Wow! Where can I buy one of those?”

    Rodney De La Rosa
    Marine Cargo Surveyor
  • “I’ll check it out, but only if it features colors I’ve never seen anywhere before in my life.”

    Moon Hwa Yee
    Public Health Nutritionist
  • “Look, I don’t have the time it takes to decipher all these ‘graphics’ and ‘pictures.’ Can’t someone from the paper just call me up once a day and shout a word or two to let me know what’s going on?”

    Sophie Baer
    Coating Machine Operator