Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Utah Polygamist Convicted

Warren Jeffs, the leader of a polygamous Mormon splinter group, was found guilty of being an accomplice to rape for marrying a 14-year-old girl to a 19-year-old man. What do you think?
  • "Is this that Romney guy everybody's talking about?"

    Tammy Karp Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, come on. If I were to get convicted every time I was an accomplice to rape for marrying a 14-year-old to a 19-year-old, I would have been convicted exactly four times."

    Sig Carvel Ticket Taker
  • "Also, they were first cousins. Just thought I'd throw that into the mix."

    Leonard McNulty Carpet Installer

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